so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
