smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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