i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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