I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
