ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
