I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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