just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
