i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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