What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
