Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
