So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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