the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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