He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hippo gnu deer
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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