Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
