I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
