Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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