Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Houston, we have a blender
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
