Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
