rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
