my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You pole danced in your parka.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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