My nipple is on Facebook.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
