My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Randomize