Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
