dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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