Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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