this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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