I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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