a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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