Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
