alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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