i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
