So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
