I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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