I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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