I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
