The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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