You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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