why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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