By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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