Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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