I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize