the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
