Who wears a wallet chain?!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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