I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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