dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I lost the right to judge tonight
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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