dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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