i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
