All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
