So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
