he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
