dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This beer is not sobering me up at all
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
