I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
