My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
