I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
