my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
