I faked an abortion last night.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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