5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize